sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
