whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
