worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
