Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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