Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
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