She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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