I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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