This is not my ceiling
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
