Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
