I just saw a hot homeless man
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
