He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
