life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
