I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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