break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize