I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
