He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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