2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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