You smell like a Billy Joel song
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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