I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
