You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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