I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
