I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i've created a new STD.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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