Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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