Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
