Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
