Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
