I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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