It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
