not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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