i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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