The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize