We won't sleep together?
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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