I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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