my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize