Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
