I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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