I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
