Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
