Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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