Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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