i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
they need to just BURY HIM!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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