Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I bet he comes in French.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
