I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
