my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize