I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
