I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
