A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
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