first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
