im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize