What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
