When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
