do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
