unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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