Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
