Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
