Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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