i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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