you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
