i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
