this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize