i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize