What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
