just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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